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Q released from Quakes for steroid use

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Quakes mascot, Q, has been released from the team for using PEDs. Here he is trying to corrupt the mind of a child while nearby adults are distracted by the 3 goals that were scored against the Quakes in their home-opener. Note the three fingers being held aloft - one for each goal scored against the Quakes (since the scoreboard was broken during the game). Photo: Joe Nuxoll, centerlinesoccer.com.

Santa Clara, CA — In a shocking press conference today, the San Jose Earthquakes announced the release of the team mascot, Q, effectively immediately. According to reports, Q had been using PEDs (performance enhancing drugs), which are more commonly referred to as steroids. Several team members commented that they had seen Q transform from a smallish, furry and energetic soccer supporter into a grossly disproportionate silver-haired giant fuzzy spaz that seemed to love the game far more than what is considered acceptable.

Several players were on-hand for interviews after the press conference. "He was running around the stands high-fiving people, and sometimes even running along the sidelines of the pitch." said Quakes defender Jason Hernandez. "He was clearly on something - and, well... you know... he's blue. We knew something was up with that guy." This sentiment was held by several players and office staff.

Coach Frank Yallop had a slightly different take on the matter. "Sure, we have to let him go, but I think he's really just misunderstood. Q is from Quebec - in fact, I think his name really is Antoine Gauthier, but he went with Q on his jersey as a homage to his origins" said Yallop. "Those folks are just a bit different than you might be used to here in the states." Frank Yallop himself is a Canadian, but not from Quebec as the wayward mascot with a fiendish dope problem had been raised.

Q had little say in his defense at the press conference, mainly because he doesn't speak. Ever. That is most likely because his tongue has shrunken to an unusable size by the steroids that he routinely injected into his blue blood stream.

Quakes staff do not have plans in place yet to replace Q with another mascot, but speculation is that another large furry blue silver-haired creature will be hired to replace him in time for the next home game. This is the Bay Area, after all - they should be able to find someone like that fairly easily.

Watch the full press conference here.