All of my questions will now be answered by Emersyn Wondo she does not sugarcoat anything pic.twitter.com/u32HbWlfLk— Chris Wondolowski (@ChrisWondo) June 25, 2014
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Center Line Soccer: Thanks for taking the time to meet with Center Line Soccer; we know your time is very valuable while Chris is participating in the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.
Emersyn Wondolowski: No problem at all.
(EW stares transfixed and points at the ceiling fan for several minutes)
CLS: Er, now if you're ready, here's the first question: We know that Chris has always chosen to represent himself, eschewing an agent. Why the sudden need for a PR rep?
EW: What does ‘eschewing' mean? Let's keep the words simple shall we? All I know is that up until now, Chris has always fulfilled Emersyn's needs - what Emersyn wants, Emersyn gets. This is just Emersyn's way of paying back.
CLS: You're already talking about yourself in the third person?
EW: Yes, I am The Special One, The Little Boss, La Pequena Chefona if you will
CLS: We'll call you whatever you want.
CLS: Moving on. You're wearing the Chico State shirt today...
EW: Yes, and you should see all the Ws stitched inside this thing; it's itchy.
CLS: ...well, Chris had the chance to scope out Stanford University while he was in camp with the USMNT. Where do you see your academic tendencies leaning for the class of 2036?
EW: It's early days, but whatever happens, I'm sure Chris will be right behind me with his checkbook.
CLS: So, you don't see a soccer scholarship in your future?
EW: Yes, it's always a possibility that I will end up playing the beautiful game - my uncle Steve has already been drilling me, working on my aerial game, trying out different kit options. Undoubtedly, my footwork needs some improvement, but we foresee exponential growth in that area. Especially once I learn to walk.
(Examines and pulls off her sock)
CLS: How's your dribbling compared to Chris?
EW: We all know that dribbling isn't Chris's strong point - well, not since he was my age.
(Emersyn giggles and spits up to make her point eloquently).
EW: But - and this is key - Chris knows how to put the ball in the back of the net. The last time I checked it's goals, and only goals, that win these games. He's as elusive as a sales assistant in Babies"R"Us, so that's what he's focused on above all in Brazil. I just spoke to Summer Rose Terry - her dad's still having nightmares.
CLS: How did you feel when Chris donned the US shirt and entered the game against Portugal?
EW: I was really excited - this has been great exposure for Chris in the international arena, so I was really happy. Don't forget to #ShopTheLook here by the way. It's a bit confusing though - it seemed like all the Wondos around me, even uncle Steve, were crying, so I in the end I just joined in. Good times.
CLS: Have you watched any of the other matches? Luis Suarez is back in the news for biting his opponents - what's your opinion?
EW: Well, when my own teething becomes painful, I know there's nothing better than chowing down on a US Soccer key ring, or an ice cube in Lindsey's fingers. Any of them soothe my irritated gums a treat; it's a difficult time, but he'll grow out of it.
CLS: Luis Suarez is 27 years old.
EW: Wait - what? I'm only 6-months old, and that makes absolutely no sense to me. Next question.
(EW's thumb goes into her mouth.)
CLS: The US just qualified from the Group of Death, though many back home don't understand the whole qualification scenario - how would you explain it to them?
EW: I wouldn't! I have very strong opinions on this, and I won't sugarcoat them. If you're not smart enough to understand goal differential or the offside rule, then you probably ought not to be watching soccer. The way the game is expanding back home, we don't need these people taking seats from real fans.
CLS: You don't see the World Cup as a means of attracting fans to MLS?
EW: Yes I do - but new fans should be prepared give the game it's due. Learn the scope of the game before you spout off on the interweb about how soccer is communist, and stop chanting "We're number 16!". Those comments just show us all that you're not smarter than a 6-month old.
(EW's finger goes straight into her nose)
CLS: What does the US soccer team need to do to beat Belgium?
EW: Goals win games. Wondo scores goals. That's all I'm saying on that subject.
CLS: What do you know about Belgium?
EW: I hear they have great waffles and chocolate, though I'm not allowed to eat any of that stuff yet.
(EW leans into the microphone, opens her mouth and chews on the foam, eventually pulling it off. There's a delay while US Soccer Press Officer Mike Kammarman replaces the microphone cover.)
CLS: Will you be here for the rest of the World Cup?
EW: Hopefully Chris will have many more victory press conferences. Besides, he has to keep me around - I'm his good luck charm, and he's very superstitious.
— Lindsey wondolowski (@linzwondo) June 26, 2014
I'm also adding to my collection of beautiful headbands - there are oodles of dainty yellow ones in Brazil. Match day for me though is always red white and blue.
(EW suddenly seems a little distracted, her eyes glaze over and she grunts deeply).
CLS: Are you okay?
EW: Well, that wraps up the interview for me.
(EW abruptly begins to cry)
EW: This diaper isn't going to change itself. A little help here...
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It's clear that the interview with La Pequena Chefona is over.